January 26, 2010


Being a mother and having my own child helps me understand my relationship with God a little bit better. I try to teach Clover right from wrong. When she knows that she is about to play with something that she is not allowed to, she says “no, no, no” while still doing it. Sometimes I get frustrated when I tell her “no” and she still does it. I’m not disappointed in what she is doing. I’m disappointed that she’s disobeying me and isn’t being obedient. There is nothing she can do that will make me stop loving her, or make me turn my back on her – she’s my child. I love her more then I love myself. In the same sense, I am trying my best to teach her what is right from wrong, and I get discouraged when she doesn’t comply.

My Father, God, feels the same way about me. He will never stop loving me, no matter what I do, but when I’m disobedient, it disappoints Him.

I’ve disobeyed a lot in my life. I’ve done things that I knew God didn’t want me to do. I’ve even said “no, no, no” while I did something I knew I wasn’t supposed to. I wasn’t trying to deliberately disobey God. I just wanted to try to find out why He said no. So often parents simply say not to do something without explaining why. We put covers on outlets to prevent kids from touching them, without explaining why they can’t touch them. Then, the first opportunity where an outlet is left uncovered, a child goes for it – and gets hurt.

I became a Christian in 7th grade. I remember the moment so clearly. We were on a ski trip with Mountain View Church. In the middle of a worship song I felt this overwhelming sense of peace. It felt like God’s arms were wrapping themselves around my body. It was an amazing feeling. I was so innocent at the time and untouched by so many evils.

I made it through high school pretty unscathed; my usual bubbly, friendly personality overshadowed by my fear of acceptance. Then, came college. For the first time I was able to truly be myself without worrying what other people thought. I was bubbly, outgoing, made lots of friends, started dating my first real boyfriend…started to experience things that I knew I wasn’t supposed to do. I didn’t care that I was being disobedient. I still had a relationship with God, and I knew He still loved me. I was a 14 month old crawling towards the Christmas tree saying “no, no, no” and doing it anyway.

My personal relationship with God has never disappeared. My obedience is something I’ve always struggled with. Sometimes, when you get tired of telling a child not to do something over and over again, you let them keep doing it so they will get hurt and feel the consequences. You let them realize for themselves why you kept saying no. God let me learn from my defiance.

Dustin and I got married when I was pregnant. However, we didn’t get married because I was pregnant. We knew we were meant to be together, and we knew we weren’t taking the necessary precautions not to get pregnant. We also knew we were disobeying God. I do not regret our decisions and I absolutely love my life. However, I will always have to deal with the judgments. That is my punishment and that is what God allowed to happen because I disobeyed him on purpose. Every time someone puts together the fact that Dustin and I were married just six months before Clover was born, they will know we got married when I was pregnant. And they will judge me for it. Just like I, regrettably, judge others who get married when they are pregnant. They will know, not only did we have premarital sex, but that we also got pregnant before we were married. This is something I will always have to live with.

Add to this that Dustin has another baby with someone else. He was stupid, got drunk, made a bad decision, and disobeyed God. Now, not only does he have to suffer the hurt from his mistake, but so do I. My stepdaughter is not the hurt of the mistake – the pain is when I know people are judging me because I have a 14 month old daughter and a 2 ½ year old step-daughter. I know this; because I would, and do, judge myself.

I’m a Christian. I love God. God loves me. I yearn for Him to be an integral part of mine and Dustin’s relationship. I crave His love and a deeper relationship with Him.

I wish I could lay all my disobedience's on the table, enter a room full of other Christians, and learn more about God. I wish I could tell everyone the truth about me, without being judged and still be accepted for who I am – God’s daughter.

One of my favorite verses, one I strive for everyday, is Matthew 22:37:

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'

I feel like a lot of Christians spend too much time judging others. Others like me. I long to join a couples small group or bible study, but I’m scared I will have to pretend that I’ve been obedient my whole life. I’m scared that I will have to pretend like I regret getting pregnant before I was married. I made that decision. I knew I was disobeying God. I know He told me no. If I could choose, I would have done it in the right order (gotten married, then gotten pregnant), but I can’t choose that now and I refuse to pretend like I am ashamed of my husband, or my marriage, or most of all my amazing daughter – because I’m not. I’m ashamed that I disappointed God, but I’m not ashamed by my life.

So, how do I move on?

Everyday we are slapped in the face by judgment and lack of acceptance.

I’m a Christian.

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